The Terrible Lunchtime of Doom
by kacheep
Summary: Lunchtime takes a unusual turn in this crackfic starring clay, poisoned muffins, that one dorky employee from 4Kids, flashbacks, and funk, plus much, much more. Companion fic to In the Name of Fanservice.
1. Chaos, Part 1

A/N: This piece of crack was created by Yuniz and Kacheep...but only Kacheep had the guts to post it.

* * *

Naruto ate his lunch one afternoon.

"Wow, Chodes, my favorite!" he exclaimed, chewing frantically. His sweeping gaze scanned the cafeteria for any malefactors who dared take his precious meal.

Choji sat down next to him. "Thank you," He said, taking Naruto's chodes and casually popping them into his mouth.

Naruto's eyes widened. "You dare take my chodes?"

"I dare," replied Choji, munching away.

Naruto's orbs welled up with tears and he ran away to his emo corner to angst. Unfortunately, Sasuke was already there, angsting away.

"Hey...what're you in for?" asked Naruto.

Sasuke sniffled. "I just found out that I'm dead,"

"Aw, tough noodles," Naruto sympathized sympathetically. But he was being sarcastic.

"No0blet, someone stole my chodes." he muttered to himself.

"Who?" Sasuke asked, suddenly interested in the day to day affairs of Naruto.

"None of your beeswax, no0blet." Naruto sighed angstily.

"Cheer up, dawg," The emo one had suddenly become not emo. But it was to no avail; his cheering up only made Naruto even MORE emo.

"I'm gonna write emo poetry and there's nothing you can do about it, BELIEVE IT!" Naruto wailed, one hand writing emo poetry while the other hand cut himself.

Then Kisame appeared, and using his sword, he sliced up Naruto. "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!" Kisame moonwalked out of the cafeteria.

Sasuke did not cry, for he suddenly realized that Naruto was a terrible person.

Suddenly, Choji sat down next to him. "Got any chodes?" He asked.

Sasuke dug around in his pocket, took out a chode, and handed it to Choji.

Choji narrowed his eyes. "This isn't a chode...IT'S A CHODEGINA!"

Sasuke did a double take. "BUT I ASKED THE LUNCH LADY _SPECIFICALLY_ FOR A CHODE, NOT A CHODEGINA!" he bawled.

"You're pathetic," Choji threw the chodegina to Ino, who ate it eagerly.

"Wow, is it my lucky day or what?" Ino munched happily on the chodegina.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Sakura had seen Ino eating the chodegina that was CLEARLY hers & hers alone.

Ino stuck her tongue out at her. "Tough noodles, bee-yotch!"

Sakura screamed like a banshee and proceeded to attack Ino w/ all her strength.

"Super-atomic-nuclear-metal-titanium-awesome-Soviet-rocket-bomb-rifle-tank-sniper no Jutsu!" Sakura stuck up her middle finger.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~!" screamed Ino as she felt herself being decomposed & recomposed, much like the art of alchemy.

Sakura gave her best evil laugh. "MUAHAHAHAHA~!" she chortled. Sasuke frowned, and she immediately turned to him and donned her best puppy eyes.

"...you a weirdo." Sasuke flipped his hair and resumed his angsting.

"...NOOOOOOOOOOO~~~!" wailed Sakura, for she had been rejected by Sasuke. "SAH-SOO-KEY, DON'T YOU WANT TO RECONSIDER YOUR HARSH, HARSH WORDS?"

"...no," Sasuke began to think of ways to kill Sakura without being found out.

Suddenly, Deidara swooped in on his signature clay bird. "I want to blow up the world, un!" He yelled triumphantly.

"If you blow up the world, you die as well, therefore your argument is invalid, bee-yotch," Shikamaru muttered in a monotone.

The blonde laughed. "Yay explosion, un un un-nity un un UNNNN~!"

Tsunade jumped out from under a table. "Young man, you are in need of psychiatric help. Come with me...I won't hurt you..." She leered.

"I don't need therapy, un, I have clay!" Deidara explained, as if clay was an acceptable substitute for professional mental care.

The clay in his hand shivered. "Please...don't leave me alone with him!" it begged.

Deidara frowned at the clay. "No talking, un,"

The clay gulped. "Y-y-yes, Master!" it whimpered.

"Good~" murmured Deidara, stroking his clay in a totally non-twisted, non-perverted PG way.

Sasuke decided to ignore the PG madness that was going on in the cafeteria. "Hey Sakura, wanna eat this non-poisoned muffin I baked you?" he asked.

Sakura's eyes went all sparkly. "OF COURSE, SAA-SOO-KEY-KEWN!" She grabbed the muffin and greedily crammed it into her mouth. Forty seconds later, she was dead.

Tsunade gasped. "Who could have done this terrible crime?" she wondered out loud, forgetting the young bomber who was in serious need of psychiatric care.

"I wouldn't know," Sasuke said innocently. He sidled out of the room.

Meanwhile, Deidara was making love to his clay.

"AUUUGHHHH~~! IT HURTS SO GOOD!" The clay cried in agony...or could it have been pleasure? Either way, everyone in the cafeteria at the time had been mentally scarred for life, & possibly death as well.

"WHAT HURTS SO GOOD?" Hidan burst into the room.

Kakuzu entered, wearing a frown. "This, ya little bee-yotch." He clonked Hidan on the head with his suitcase filled with solid gold.

"You must be strong to carry so much gold," A Kakuzu fangirl had appeared, and was grovelling at his feet.

"Hehe...I don't mean to brag," Kakuzu bragged. "But I lift weights once every decade!" The fangirl gasped in awe.

"Oh em gee, lets make babies!" She shrieked. Kakuzu clonked her on the head with his suitcase, and she fell to the floor.

Just then, Hidan awoke from his clonk-induced slumber. "_I_ wanna make babies!" he fangirlishly giggled.

"Oh, let us make minions," Orochimaru had appeared, and was busy making babies with Hidan.

The clay noticed Orochimaru and gasped. It took out a gun and shot itself dead.

Deidara didn't notice, and contiued to hump the air. "That hits the spot, un," he grunted suggestively.

Suddenly, a dorky employee of 4Kids Entertainment entered the cafeteria.

"...OH, THE HUMANITY! SOMEONE GOUGE OUT MY EYES AND SAW OFF MY EARS!" He cried to the heavens...or in this case, the flourescent lights on the cafeteria's ceiling. Hidan pulled away from Orochimaru and fulfilled the poor man's request.

Zetsu materialized inside the room. "Ooooh, eyeballs! **My favorite!**" he sniggered to himself.

Then, a person of great importance appeared...who could it be? DUN DUN DUN...


	2. Chaos, Part 2

A hush fell upon the cafeteria; glorious music played as heavenly light shone from the cafeteria door. An opaque fog cleared itself to reveal none other than...Rock Lee.

Pandemonium broke out among the lunch-eaters.

"DIE!" yelled Kisame, who tried to slice up Rock Lee; however, he missed his mark.

"Yosh!" Rock Lee exclaimed. "You shall not defeat me; My fangirls will defend me!"

"What fangirls?" yelled Hidan angrily, his thirst for blood becoming greater.

"Fangirls, COME!" Rock Lee yelled. Nothing happened. Suddenly, a solitary figure walked out of the opaque fog. It was...Akamaru.

"Arf!" Akamaru barked suggestively, humping Rock Lee's legwarmers.

Rock Lee was not pleased. "Attack my foes, go, hurry!" he picked up Akamaru and threw him at Kisame. The shark man sliced up Akamaru quickly and efficiently.

Lee was silent. Then, he had an idea. "FANBOYS, COME!" He commanded.

The door burst open and a jumpsuit-clad figure rushed in. "IT IS I, THE GREAT GAI!"

Lee twitched. "Gai sensei...YOU are my only fanboy?"

Gai ignored Lee's question. "Take the power of my youth, for youthfulness is the ultimate weapon against all evil!" He charged bravely into Kisame. Kisame sliced up Gai without even blinking.

Lee laughed nervously. He didn't know who would be willing to defend him next...Nobody came, and he was sliced up by Kisame.

Kiba burst into the cafeteria, looking rather angry.

"Erm, if it's Akamaru you're looking for, I have a perfectly logical explan-" Kisame started to say.

Kiba ignored him. "WHO THE FRICK STOLE MY CHODE WHILE I WAS IN THE BATHROOM?" He roared.

Everyone pointed at Sasuke. Kiba's eyes took on a violent reddish color. "~!"

Hidan nodded approvingly. "Nice roar!" he commented.

Kiba lunged at Sasuke, and the onlookers cheered as they watched the two boys fighting each other. Everyone, that is, except for Deidara, who was still humping the empty space in front of him.

Kisame frowned at Deidara's strange behavior. "Deidara, the clay's gone," he informed him.

Deidara looked down and suddenly saw the light. "AAAARRRGGGGHH~~!" he screamed as his eyes were blinded. Kisame, not wanting his fellow man to suffer, sliced him up and fed the pieces to his mistress, Itachi.

"You're a good boy," said Itachi to Kisame. Tobi popped his head up from his hiding place in a nearby garbage can. Kisame sliced him up without a second thought.

Suddenly, Tsunade reappeared. "I have solved the Sakura Murder Case!" she announced. No one paid attention to her; they were still watching Kiba and Sasuke fight.

Tsunade ignored them ignoring her. "THE CULPRIT IS...JIRAYA!"

All activity in the room ceased. "Yes," Tsunade continued to speak. "I have fingerprints, DNA samples, eyewitness accounts, photographs, pollen spores, surveillance tapes, audio tapes, AND A SIGNED CONFESSION FROM JIRAYA HIMSELF!"

"No, you don't understand!" cried Jiraya. "I had to do it for my father-"

Tsunade bee-yotch slapped him. "Save it for the judge, Twinkie!" she snarled.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!" Jiraya wailed as he was carted off straight to prison without a trial of any sort.

Punching Kiba repeatedly in the face, Sasuke smirked to himself. Kiba saw the smirk, and his eyes widened in shock.

"SASUKE IS A SADISTIC EMO PERSON!" Kiba yelled. Immediately, all the Sasuke fangirls leapt out from their hiding spot and began to glomp him like nothing ever glomped before.

Kisame scratched his head. "I always knew Sasuke was sadistic...but EMO? Who would've guessed?" he said in amazement. "Ah, whatever," He sliced up the fangirls, and a part of Sasuke's shirt.

"MY SHIRT!" cried Sasuke. "MY CHEAP SHIRT THAT I GOT FOR TWO CENTS AT A GARAGE SALE!"

Hidan glared at him. "You think you've got it bad? Now, I'm out of a job!_ I_ used to be the Sadistic Emo Person, but _NOOOOOOO,_ YOU had to steal it!" He grabbed a vial of Sasuke's blood from inside his cloak and dipped his finger into it, then drew his ritual circle onto the floor.

Sasuke cursed himself. "I KNEW selling my blood on Ebay was a bad idea!" he groaned.

The ex-Sadistic Emo Person cackled in glee as Sasuke was forced to do his bidding.

"Make me a sammich!" the ex-Sadistic Emo Person ordered. Sasuke made a sammich soaked in his Sadistic Emo tears.

Hidan ate it in a single bite. "Mmmm...sadness and despair. My favorite!" he said.

Kisame was not entertained. "Are there any people contemplating suicide in this room?" he asked. Everyone raised their hands.

"Would anyone like me to..._help_ them with that?" Kisame asked hopefully.

No one answered. Suddenly, a nerdy-looking student in the far corner of the cafeteria spoke up. "KisaIta forever!" he squealed. Kisame narrowed his eyes at the student; who was he to mindlessly assume that Kisame practiced monogamy?

"For YOUR information," Kisame snapped. "I have had relations with FIFTY other people. And NOT all of them were prostitutes!"

The nerdy student was amazed. Itachi was not.

"Die," He brooded, activating his genjutsu and staring Kisame in the eye. Kisame suddenly found himself transported to Forks, Washington. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~!" He screamed, before he blacked out.


	3. Flashbacks

A/N: This story may seem like it has no point, but trust us, it does. Crack always has a point! -Yuniz

Remember, kids, the scenes in this fic are performed by trained professionals. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT try these things at home. That is all. -Kacheep

* * *

Kisame looked up in horror at the high schoolers surrounding him.

"Wow, look at that weirdo!" Said a ditzy brunette, obviously in love with a vampire.

Taking his sword, Kisame sliced her up and glared menacingly at the others.

A MMORPG nerd spoke up. "Are you from Dungeons and Dragons?" That earned him a ticket to the afterlife.

Kisame was feelin' good. "Ahh..this brings me back to MY high-school years!" He started having a flashback.

-Begin Flashback-

It was the first day of school. Kisame was short, chubby, with braces and square glasses; in other words, the generic "NERD". As he shambled down the hallway, he saw Itachi, who was the epitome of sexy.

Kisame blushed, turning his cheeks a dark purple.

Itachi suddenly stopped talking to the green haired plant man in front of him, and looked right at Kisame's soul.

Kisame was giddy with happiness and hormones. He couldn't believe that HE, a nerd, was being looked at by the most popular kid in school.

Itachi continued to stare at Kisame. There was a evil glint in his eyes, a warning, and though Kisame knew in his brain that he should run, his heart told him to stay.

Meanwhile, Itachi started to undress Kisame with his eyes. Zetsu looked on approvingly.

Kisame's heart fluttered; could this have been the 'love' his mom had told him about?

"Zetsu, come," Itachi and Zetsu began to have an impromptu lemon, right in the middle of the hallway.

Kisame looked hungrily at the spectacle. Without a second thought, he threw off his clothes and joined them.

A ditzy brunette who was obviously in love with a vampire pointed at him. "Wow, look at that weirdo!"

Everyone laughed, leaving Kisame feeling like he was nothing. He used his notebook to defend himself; to his surprise, it sliced right through the ditzy brunette.

"Yay!" cheered the student body. Kisame took a bow and joined back into the lemon.

-End Flashback-

Kisame sighed in happiness as he brought his reminisicing session to a close.

-End Genjutsu-

"Awww, I was just getting to the good part!" Kisame whined.

"Too bad, it's evil torture time," said Itachi, looking down at his watch. "We're two hours, ten minutes, and thirty three point six one seconds late. You know what that means..."

Kisame gulped. "No...not THAT! You said you'd never do it again!" Kisame shuddered.

"I lied," With that statement, Itachi began to do THAT to Kisame.

Throughout THAT, Kisame was crying and screaming in agony. "Noo0ooooo0!"

Itachi smiled to himself, and began to have a flashback...

-Begin Flashback-

It was the day after Itachi and Kisame failed to catch Naruto.

"FOR THE FAIL!" screamed Kisame like an idiot.

Itachi's already fragile mind shattered in a colorful explosion. "KILL KISAME!"

Kisame's FTF victory party screeched to a halt. "Er...come again?"

"I SAID, KILL KISAME," Itachi was clearly insane.

Kisame was too scared to disobey. "How should I kill myself, Itachi?" he asked, awaiting the impending doom that was to befall him.

"Find the Naruto kid. Have him gouge out your eyes with a plastic spoon. Then make him rape your bellybutton. Next, force him to give your nose an STD," Itachi continued.

"After that, have him make you watch Gundam Wing until your ears fall off. Lastly, you must eat the ears." Itachi gave him a deranged smile. "Have_...fun_."

Naruto popped out of a nearby bush. "Did someone say my name?"

Itachi gave Kisame a meaningful glance. "Er," Kisame muttered awkwardly. "Would you mind gouging out my eyes with a plastic spoon?"

"I don't have a plastic spoon," Naruto frowned. "But I do have plastic chopsticks,"

Itachi nodded. Kisame sighed in defeat. "Chopsticks will work."

"Yay!" Naruto ran up to Kisame, climbed up his back, and proceeded to viciously poke at the shark man's eyes.

[insert painful screaming and swearing here]

After Kisame's eyes had been gouged out, Naruto scampered down to the floor, awaiting his next command.

Kisame dabbed at the gaping holes in his head with a tissue. "Now...and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but...Naruto, rape my bellybutton."

Naruto was confused. "How do I do that?"

[insert awkward birds & the bees talk here]

"Oh..." The boy allowed himself a pedophile grin. "Well...if you insist," He then proceeded to rape Kisame's bellybutton.

Itachi cackled under his breath.

Some tears leaked out of Kisame's eye holes. "Naruto, you now have to give my nose an STD." Kisame cried in embarrassment.

"Oh emm gee, I actually know what a STD is!" exclaimed Naruto. "Tsunade told me all about them, I don't have one with me right now but I bet I can get one from her!"

Naruto ran to Tsunade's office.

[Insert graphic content here]

"Thank you!" He ran back to the clearing where Itachi and Kisame were, and quickly gave herpes to Kisame's nose. It was painful, but the shark man forced himself to try to stay calm.

"The last thing I need you to do, Naruto," Kisame sighed. "is to tie me to a chair and make me watch Gundam Wing until my ears fall off."

Naruto frowned. "I've watched Gundam Wing for ten years and it's never made my ears fall off,"

Kisame pitied the boy's innocence. "Have you ever heard of...MOBILE FIGHTER G GUNDAM?"

"...NOOOOOOOOO~!" screamed Naruto. "THE HUMANITY!" Naruto's ears fell off just from hearing the name.

Itachi was displeased. "Now he won't understand any of the orders you give him. Oh well, just eat his ears,"

Kisame gingerly picked up one of Naruto's ears and placed it in his mouth. "GACK! URK! EARWAX!"

"The other one too," prompted Itachi.

Kisame, tears flowing freely now, ate the other ear as well.

"Good," said Itachi, looking back at Naruto. "Now we can catch him, as was our original goal all along,"

-End Flashback-

Suddenly...something happened. What was it? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT...NEXT TIME!


	4. The Epic FunkOff

A/N: Kacheep & I write this story in this way: She writes a sentence w/ an unlimited amount of dialogue, then I write a sentence w/ an unlimited amount of dialogue, etc. This method produces very interesting stories. -Yuniz

Remember kids, don't go to jail! -Kacheep

* * *

After Kisame finished THAT, there was silence, save for Sasuke and Kiba's fight.

"You call your little scuffle fighting?" It became completely silent as...Gaara of the Funk appeared. Techno music accompanied his entrance.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "I thought you were Gaara of the Sand,"

Gaara dismissed Sasuke's statement. "I had an identity crisis. I am now...Gaara of the Funk."

Kiba shuddered, for funk was the only thing that could take him down.

Tsunade shoved a copy of the school rules into Gaara's face. "Looky here, _Mr. Funk_, rule number 39204-B CLEARLY STATES that funk is not allowed on school grounds."

"It is now," Gaara funked until Tsunade wailed in despair and ate the entire copy of the school rules.

Sasuke and Kiba stared at each other, then continued to epically fight to the death over a missing chode.

"ENOUGH!" Gaara used his amazing funk powers to kill Kiba, and then turned to Sasuke.

Sasuke sneered. "The Uchiha family is KNOWN for it's funking abilities! Go now, or be pwned."

Gaara sneered back, only his sneer was infused with 100% pure funk extract. "I challenge you...to a funk-off."

Tsunade was jolted out of her funk-induced trance. "I shall be the referee."

Shikamaru was the DJ, spinning techno music as the funk-off began.

Gaara started doing the Jerk, while Sasuke started doing the Worm. Everyone began to boo Sasuke just because they could.

Gaara was getting confident. His Jerk was now so funky that the entire audience was hypnotized by the pure funk of it. Feeling rather full of himself, Gaara grabbed Konohamaru and began to grind against him.

Konohamaru was enthralled by the funk. "I must have more funk!" he begged Gaara.

"Ask, and you shall receive," They began to furiously funk as Sasuke curled up in a fetal position on the ground, whimpering and sucking his thumb.

Tsunade took this as a forfeit. "GAARA WINS!" she screamed to the estatic crowd.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was strolling down the school hallway, face buried in the latest Icha Icha novel. He noticed a thumping beat grow louder as he walked towards the cafeteria. The rhythm was familiar...he knew he had heard this crunchy beat before...could it be...?

He burst into the cafeteria. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HAVING A FUNK-OFF...WITHOUT _ME_!" He shouted indignantly, straining to be heard over the addicting oomph zz oomph zz oomph zz of the techno beat. "GAARA...I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FUNK-OFF!"

Gaara sneered his trademark 100% pure funk extract-infused sneer. "You? You're just the pathetic Copy Ninja. How can you possibly have more funk than me, Gaara of the Funk?"

"What's the matter? Are you too chicken?" Kakashi imitated a chicken, and everyone laughed at Gaara. "Besides, I've changed my name too. I am now...the Funky Ninja!"

"Very well then," The techno beat started up again, and Kakashi started to funk like no one, not even Gaara of the Funk, had funked before.

Gaara's eyes gleamed. He stopped funking. "I know a funk mastah when I see one...Kakashi, I must become your apprentice!"

Kakashi sneered a sneer that was infused with 200% pure funk extract. "I don't take students," he said.

Gaara held up a book. "I have the new, unreleased Icha Icha novel."

The room grew quiet as Kakashi pondered. Two seconds later, he said "My training is very difficult, are you sure you wish to train in the ways of THE FUNK?"

Gaara cried tears of funk. "YES, KAKASHI SENSEI!" His eyeliner trailed down his face, making him look remarkably emo.

Kakashi wailed funkily. "GAARA...COME INTO MY ARMS, FOR WE SHALL EMBRACE LIKE MANLY MEN!"

Somewhere, in their graves, Gai and Lee cried tears of funky joy.

As Kakashi and Gaara hugged, Kakashi suddenly roundhouse kicked Gaara to the boys' locker room. "This...is what it means to be funk,"

Gaara, in the smelly and gas-filled dankness of the boys' locker room, suddenly saw the light. In front of him was...Neji taking off a towel.

Gaara's funk protected him from the terrible, terrible sight. However, it wasn't quite enough funk, and he was still horrified.

Neji heard a squelching sound. He turned around to see Gaara attempting to claw his own eyes out. The branch house member instantly recognized the symptons of funk rejection.

He immediately reached into his bag and pulled out some backup funk he always took with him. "Gaara of the Funk, take this and you will be funky once more!" Neji cried, crouching down beside Gaara and giving him the funk.

Gaara was even more horrified, for Neji had not bothered to put on any clothes when he crouched down. The funk he had been given began to affect his body in a negative way.

Gaara shrieked as his insides burned up funkily. Neji watched in horror as Gaara's skin began to decompose.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was still waiting in the cafeteria. "What's taking Gaara so long?" he muttered. "It only took ME thirty seconds to discover the meaning of funk."

Shikamaru jumped down from the DJ booth and walked up to Kakashi. "Funky Ninja, you have no pupil now, and although I think funk is a drag, I'd really like to be your student,"

Kakashi didn't answer; he was too busy staring at something behind Shikamaru. He squinted, but couldn't quite make out the person. Who was it...?

* * *

A/N: If you wanna find out...REVIEW! For your convenience, we have compiled a list of deceased persons/animals:

Deidara, Rock Lee, Might Guy, Naruto, Sakura, Tobi, Akamaru, Ino, and Kiba.


	5. Epic FunkOff Flashbacks

A/N: The last chapter was from the Naruto Abridged series, on Youtube. Please don't sue us. -Kacheep

Remember kids, don't forget to take your daily dose of ONE THOUSAND PERCENT pure funk extract! -Yuniz

* * *

The person...was the new, improved, and funkified funky version of Gaara of the Funk.

"Kakashi sensei!" He exclaimed, flaunting his funky funk. "Check out my funkiness!"

Shikamaru's jaw fell to the floor. "But the bad funk...I thought...no way...this has put a rather troublesome snag in my plan..."

Gaara stiffened. "YOUR PLAN?" he slowly but menacingly advanced onto Shikamaru.

Seeing that there was no other way out of this, Shikamaru ripped off his clothes to reveal himself to be a drag queen.

Where Shikamaru had just stood, was Temari. "Aha! You can't turn against your own sister, can you?" She said triumphantly.

Gaara's willpower wavered. "Er...um...T-Te-Temari?" he stuttered. His funk began to fade.

Suddenly, Kakashi's voice floated into his head. "Uuuuusseee the Ffffuuunnnkkk, Gaaaarrrraa..." Gaara turned around to see Kakashi whispering into his ear.

Nevertheless, he was still motivated to funk his sister until she couldn't take it anymore.

"Funky-Funk-Funkiness-Funkified-Funkitude-Funkilicious-Funk no Jutsu!" Gaara waved his hands funkily. Temari screamed as she felt the massive wave of funk wash over her and carry her out to the middle of the sea of Funk.

Gaara sneered his 100% pure funk extract-infused sneer. "Heh. I guess the funk wasn't with you today, Temari."

Kakashi walked to Gaara's side. "Though you are not as funky as me, I believe you will still make a fine pupil of funk," The two of them walked off into the sunset, ignoring Temari's pleas for help as she drowned in the sea of Funk.

-One Year Later-

Gaara funked through the forest as Kakashi looked on, taking notes on a clipboard. "Excellent form..." Kakashi jotted down, as Gaara performed a flawless performance of pure funk. "Wiggle your hips a little more, yeah, that's the way to go!"

Gaara looked into Kakashi's eyes. "Do you think I'll ever be as funky as you, Funky Ninja Sensei?"

"Only time will tell," Kakashi shrugged. He began to have a flashback of his very first experience of funk.

-Begin Flashback-

Kakashi was just four years old. His parents had gone to a classical piano recital, and he had the entire house to himself. He idly scanned the radio for anything worth listening to.

"Too much classical," He moaned, turning the dial slowly. Suddenly, he heard an ad.

"Are you sick and tired of classical music?" the ad asked.

"YES!" exclaimed the young Kakashi, listening very carefully.

"Do you sit at home, idly scanning the radio for anything worth listening to?" the ad continued.

"YEAH!" said Kakashi, becoming excited.

"Are you four years old with silver hair with parents who are currently attending a classical piano recital?" the ad almost shouted.

"OH EMM GEE YES!" Kakashi almost shouted back.

"Then GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUM AND START LISTENING TO SOME TECHNO!" the ad roared. Immediately, funky music began to blare from the cheap speakers, causing the entire electronic device to rattle slightly.

Kakashi was hooked. He just couldn't get enough of that addictive techno beat. Following the ad's orders, he stood up and began to funk like a natural.

From that day on, Kakashi never went more than a day withouth funking...just a little.

-End Flashback-

"Gaara," Kakashi suddenly said, "How old were you when you first experienced the funkiness of funk?"

Gaara tensed up. It was a trick question. "Er...When I was still in the womb." Gaara began to have a flashback.

-Begin Flashback-

It was in the 6th month of pregnancy when Karura began experiencing an unusual amount of funk emanating from her belly.

"This is rather unusual," said the doctor. "I suggest you keep a close eye on that child. He could become a great mastah of funk someday,"

Karura suddenly had a flashback.

-Begin Flashback within a Flashback-

It was Saturday night in Suna...and everyone, from 1 to 100, knew what that meant...IT WAS FUNK NIGHT!

Karura was funking as well. She had a great time and went home.

Later, as Temari and Kankuro were funking out to a techno song, Karura took vitamins in the kitchen. She felt the baby kick...but this time, in beat with the techno music.

Kankuro tried to funk, but he failed epically. "You fail at funk," Temari told him as his little face scrunched up.

But the bickering didn't affect Karura's baby, who continued to move and sway to the beat.

-End Flashback within a Flashback-

"Everyone here loves funk...but I think he was born to funk," Karura said to herself, patting her belly.

Three months later, Gaara was born, alive and funking.

-End Flashback-

"You know, that wasn't really a trick question," Kakashi admitted.

Gaara shrugged. "Flashbacks are funky."

"True," agreed Kakashi.

Meanwhile, back at the cafeteria, everyone was wondering where Kakashi and Gaara had been for the past year.

"How many more sunsets must we wait before our funk mastahs return?" Iruka asked a rhetorical question.

The rhetorical question glared at him. "Leave me alone." It left Iruka and moved into a different seat, right next to his friend, a hypothetical question.

Kisame glared at the questions. He sliced them up and smiled. His therapy had been doing wonders for his mood swings.

Suddenly, a black wearing figure burst into the cafeteria. "IT IS I, THE GREAT.. ...

Who? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!

* * *

A/N: Here's an example of funking (it's on youtube): /watch?v=9gnodytMHl8

Dont forget to review!


	6. Bad Funk and Farts

A/N: Since nobody is reviewing (besides the wonderful and awesome ElectricDementia), we have decided to set down an ultimatum: No more updating until we get 10 REVIEWS. That's right, bee-yotch. 10 reviews.

* * *

Everyone looked at the person who had just burst in, determined to make him or her feel embarassed. The person was...

"Phhbbtt-uurp-oink." Ton Ton farted, burped, and oinked, all at the same time.

Tsunade gasped. "TON TON, NO FARTING IN PUBLIC!" She held up a fresh copy of the school rules. "Rule number 394289-Q CLEARLY STATES that farting in public is ILLEGAL on or around school grounds!"

Ton Ton didn't care, so she farted some more. Unfortunately, Jiraya, who had just been released from prison, was standing too close,

"AAUUUGGHH, MY EYES, THEY BUUUURRRRNN!" he cried. The noxious fumes were poisoning him and driving him to the edge of insanity, of which he fell off and into a pit of despair.

Two nameless extras burst into the room and carted him off to a psychiactric hospital.

Sasuke sneered his -100% pure funk extract infused sneer. "Hn. He lacks air freshener." He grabbed a bottle of Febreeze and sprayed it directly at Ton Ton. The pig was not pleased. She unleashed her most massive giant fart yet.

Everyone was choking, and it looked like the end of the entire Naruto cast. Until...Gaara and Kakashi suddenly came back from his funk pilgrimage.

"BEHOLD, THE ULTIMATE POWER OF FUNK!" He and Kakashi used their funk powers to drive away Ton Ton & her deadly farts. Ton Ton farted in despair as she was sucked into the 37th dimension.

Sasuke looked up at Gaara and Kakashi in the way that his fangirls looked up at him.

"OH FUNKY NINJA," Sasuke begged. "PLEASE TRAIN ME IN THE WAYS OF FUNK!"

Kakashi mused. "My training is of the highest caliber funk availible to mankind. Do you have sufficient payment?"

Sasuke dug around in his pockets. "Er...I can offer you two gum wrappers and half of a chodegina."

"YOU FAIL!" Sneering his 201% pure funk extract infused sneer, Kakashi pwned Sasuke all the way to the sea of Funk.

"NOOOOO!" Cried Sasuke as he floundered for his life in the sea of Funk. "I ALSO HAVE A MONTHLY BUS PASS!" Unfortunately for him, Kisame's half brother saw Sasuke and promptly sliced him up.

Suigetsu laughed evilly. "MUAHAHAHAHA! THE FUNK...IS FOREVER MINE!" He began to funk, almost as well as Kakashi.

However, the key word here is "almost", for no one will ever be able to emulate Kakashi, the greatest funk mastah of all time.

After funking up a sweat, the Jaws theme played as Suigetsu sank slowly into the sea of Funk. He saw Sasuke having relations with a mermaid.

The mermaid stared into Suigetsu's eyes. "Noooo! Get me outta here, Funk Mastah!" Immediately, Kakashi swooped in and grabbed the mermaid, then swooped back out of the sea of Funk.

Suigetsu snarled. "Heeeyy...she was referring to ME!" he pointed to himself. No one cared, though. They were all too busy applauding Kakashi's marvelous display of pure funk.

Gaara watched Kakashi seduce the mermaid in a life of servitude. "The funk is surely with him...I have much to learn,"

Meanwhile, Sasuke was still in the sea of Funk, humping the funkiness in front of him. Suigetsu snarled a 1% tainted funk extract infused snarl. "He lacks funk," he snarled.

Sasuke immediately turned around. "WHO DARES TO STEAL MY CATCHPHRASE?" he bellowed. Suigetsu began to innocently whistle. "Er...it was Kisame!" he yelled.

Kisame glared at Suigetsu, slicing him up with a grand arm motion.

Hinata was confused. "Since when did we have a sea of Funk in our cafeteria?" she asked.

"I put it there!" exclaimed Neji, still naked.

A Hyuugacest nerd wolf-whistled. "Get a room, you two!" he called out.

Meanwhile, Itachi suddenly looked horrified. "But all Neji's funk is bad funk..."

Kakashi gasped. "NOOOOOOO! WE MUST GET SASUKE OUT OF THERE _RIGHT NOW_, OR ELSE THE ADVERSE SIDE EFFECTS WILL BEGIN TO SHOW!"

Iruka ripped off his clothing to reveal board shorts. "I WILL RESCUE SASUKE!" With manly vigor, he dove in the sea of Funk, and using his dolphin powers, pulled Sasuke out.

"Gack...Urk..." Sasuke coughed up some bad funk. It burned a hole through the cafeteria floor, making spitting and boiling sounds.

Choji, still munching his chodes, looked through the hole. "Wow, the bad funk has burned a hole straight through to Australia!" he said excitedly.

"Bad funk is a danger to the entire world," murmured Kakashi. "Even though I am a great mastah of funk, it will still be very difficult to eradicate all that bad funk with just myself and Gaara of the Funk,"

Shino walked calmly into the cafeteria. "I...have a solution," he said wisely.

"Tell us!" exclaimed everyone else in the room.

"We must sacrifice a person...to the God of Funk."

There was silence.

[insert awkward silence here.]

"But who?" asked Kakashi. "Who is worthy enough to be the eradicator of bad funk, yet unworthy enough to be brutally sacrificed and never appear again in this story?"

[insert another awkward silence here.]

Shino sighed. "Fine. Since no one in this cafeteria is kind and honorable enough to give their puny and insignificant life to save a cafeteria of innocent lunch-eaters, we shall draw straws to decide." He produced a handful of plastic straws and passed them out, being careful to not let anyone see a difference between each straw's length.

Sai grumbled. He had already gotten paper and a pencil out. "I thought we were going to DRAW straws, not DRAW straws."

"Don't be an idiot," said Kakashi, who had already compared his straw length with Konohamaru's straw, and was elated that they were the same size.

Shino went around, comparing his straw to everyone else's straw. Finally, it was done.

"The person we will sacrifice shall be..."

WHO IS IT? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT.


	7. Mootent Led Kup

AN: After you finish reviewing this story, check out my fanfics! I have a couple Naruto fics under my belt & I think you should read them...not to be begging or anything. -Yuniz

[The Elder Swear: Your mother is a *beep beep beep*ing*beep*lorem ipsum*beep beep beep*admiumvenium*beep beep beep beep*turolagulio*beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep* hippopotamus*beep beep beep beep beep beep* Republican *beep beep beep* Daniel Radcliffe *beep beep beep beep* with a bucket of *beep beep beep beep* in a castle far away where no one can hear you *beep beep beep beep beep beep* soup *beep beep beep* with a bucket of *beep beep* Mickey Mouse *beep beep* with a stick of dinomite *beeeeeepppp* magical *beep beep beep beep* ALAKAZAM!] - kacheep

* * *

"Er..." Kakashi's funk wavered. "Are you sure about this, Shino?"

"I'm sure," was the bug boy's grim reply. "I called my uncle and he said everything I do is right, which means I was right on this matter,"

Kakashi nodded. "Yes. May the Funk be with you." A funky tear peeped out of his eye.

Shino took a shaky step towards the Ocean of Funk. "Who will throw me in?"

Hinata was giddy with relief. "AWW YEEEAAH!" She danced around, holding her straw in the air. She laughed at her former teammate. "HAHA! SUCKS TO BE YOU!" She mercilessly pushed Shino into the churning funkiness of the Sea of Funk.

Shino promptly drowned, and immediately the Gods of Funk were appeased. The Sea of Funk receded back into the depths of the Earth, and plain white linoleum covered up the gap where the Sea once flowed.

Suddenly, Gaara gasped. "I just realized that I left Kankuro alone with a toaster and a fork!"

Everybody ignored him. They were too busy glaring at Hinata.

"What?" She said, giggling.

Neji gave her his best 'older brother pwns younger sister' look. "Hinata, how many times do I have to tell you that PUSHING PEOPLE RANDOMLY INTO SEAS OF FUNK IS NOT POLITE?" He lectured.

"But he wanted someone to do it...!" Hinata countered.

Neji, still without clothes, shrugged and walked off into the sunset.

As he went down the street, he saw Kankuro, sticking the fork into the toaster.

Neji sighed, and adopted his 'Byakugan dude pwns puppet mastah' expression. "Kankuro, don't you know that sticking a fork in a toaster can render one infertile?" he lectured.

Kankuro looked up at Neji. "Gaara castrated me a few days ago, so I don't have to worry about that," he explained.

Neji's eyes widened. "But a Funk Mastah wouldn't do something so... so EVIL as to cut off an innocent young man's chode!"

"Oh, he would," said Kankuro. "He would,"

Neji shuddered, and quickly put a pair of pants on. Kankuro eyed the tight material with interest. Neji did not notice, as he was too busy trying to think of a way to protect his chode.

"I know!" He said, his eyes lighting up with glee. "A lead cup!"

Kankuro suddenly had a fabulous idea. "Hey, Neji, I think I see a lead cup in the back of that dark, deserted alleyway!" he gasped, pointing.

"...get it for me," demanded Neji. "My life is worth much more than yours,"

Kankuro grumbled. "Er...you know, it would be more beneficial to BOTH of us if YOU were to go retrieve it."

"Why is that?" Neji asked.

"...Because I said so." Kankuro huffed.

"No good," Bearing a 2000% pure bad funk extract infused sneer, Neji pushed Kankuro into the dark, deserted alleyway, and he was gone in a flash before Kankuro could even blink.

Kankuro screamed as the mutant lead cup loomed over him. "Nooo, spare me, I beg of you!" Ignoring Kankuro's plea, the mutant lead cup forced itself onto Kankuro and immersed the area in toxic gas, causing a mutant three headed chode to grow.

Kankuro stopped screaming enough to look down. "Hey...not bad!" he exclaimed, admiring the mutant lead cup's handiwork.

Suddenly, Gaara fell from the sky. "Older brother, you must remain an eunuch," He used his funk powers to swiftly chop off the mutant lead cup and the mutant three headed chode.

Kankuro wailed in agony. "NOOOOO! NOT _AGAIN_!" He began to think of dark and suicidal things, like guns, poison, and plum pudding.

Gaara looked at him in 100% pure funk extracted disgust. "...You sicken me." With that, he left the lonely and suicidal Kankuro to fend for himself in the dark alleyway.

Then Neji reappeared. "Where is my lead cup?" He said coldly.

Kankuro, still wailing in agony, pointed at the shattered remains.

"...YOU WILL DIE ON THE MORROW," said Neji, brandishing a loaf of stale bread.

Kisame suddenly appeared. "Why not now?" he suggested hopefully, rubbing Samehada in anticipation.

"Great idea," agreed Neji, advancing onto the terrified Kankuro.

Kankuro suddenly had another FABULOUS idea. "Take this, frickers!" he roared, unleashing a massive wave of badly executed funk. Neji and Kisame were disgusted.

"Gross!" spat Kisame. He grabbed a bottle of Funk Freshener and sprayed a generous amount onto Kankuro. The puppeteer wailed in agony as he felt himself being decomposed from the inside out.

"OH, THE HUMANITY!" Kankuro was reduced to a pile of living ashes. Samehada finished the job, slicing the ashes into thousandths. Kankuro's remains sobbed as they were blown to the four corners of the Earth.

Gaara reappeared. "Good job," he told Neji, Kisame, and Samehada. "For Kankuro's whiny self to be relieved from my nonexistant care is a duty that only the best could have accomplished. What payment do you wish to receive?"

Neji thought. "I would like ∞ dollars, please!" he held out his hand expectantly.

"As you wish," Gaara conjured up ∞ dollars. The money flew into each orifice of Neji, causing him to splode from the inside out.

Kisame thought as well. "I would like ∞ dollars too!" he demanded, conveniently forgetting the event that had just occurred moments ago. Gaara simply pointed to Neji, who had money flying in and out of him at the speed of light.

Kisame giggled in delight. "Oooh, money!" He started stuffing cash in his pockets.

"Samehada?" Gaara prompted, ignoring the fact that swords usually are inanimate objects.

Samehada cleared her throat. "I would like.."

WHAT DOES SAMEHADA WANT? WHY IS SAMEHADA A GIRL? WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS? WHY AM I ASKING YOU ALL THESE QUESTIONS? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!


	8. Revenge of the Employee

A/N: If you have read this far without suffering mentally or physically, you get a virtual cookie.

* * *

Samehada cleared her throat. "Ahem. I would like a horde of albino geese,"

Gaara's funk wavered for a second. "Er... I guess so." Using his funk, he produced a reasonably sized mob of red eyed pale birds.

Kisame abruptly stopped grabbing money. "Samehada..." he gasped. "You're a GIRL?"

"No, I'm a toilet," said Samehada sarcastically.

Kisame sighed in relief. "Whew...Good thing too, I really need to take a crap." He walked to his weapon and squatted down over it.

Samehada shrieked. "NOOOOOOO! Don't you know what SARCASM is, you stupid, stupid shark?" However, it was too late.

Gaara winced as a few plopping sounds were heard. He shivered to himself as he heard a slicing noise.

He slowly turned around. Samehada was standing proudly in front of some sliced up albino geese.

_... why must I deal with these incompetent fools?_ Gaara sighed to himself. "Samehada, why did you ask for albino geese if you were just going to slice them up?"

"Because albino geese sammiches are the second best type of sammich, only beaten by severed limb sammiches," explained Samehada, nomming away. She sprinkled some of Gaara's funk on to her sammich. "Mmmm... 100% pure funk extract! Tasty!" Samehada giggled, ignoring the shark poo that was still on her.

"You have shark poo on you," pointed out Gaara.

Kisame turned purple. "Oops...hehe" he giggled. Samehada turned onto him, her eyes sparkling dangerously.

The fork and toaster spoke up. "Erm... since when did a sword have eyes?" the fork asked.

"Dunno..." said the toaster, inspecting himself for stray crumbs.

"Stop inspecting yourself and have sex with me!" The fork forced himself onto the toaster.

The toaster whipped out his new iPhone 4 to call his bodyguard, the stale bread. However, the crappy reception ended his call immediately.

"NOOO~!" He cried out, smashing the device against himself as if that would help it work better. The fork began to menacingly advance on the hapless toaster. The clashing of metal would ring through the Naruto Land for centuries to come.

Kisame, Samehada, and Gaara turned away as the toaster's screams vibrated across the universe.

"...all done," said the fork, pulling up his pants.

Gaara turned around. "...I didn't know forks wore pants."

"Well, to tell the truth, I'm not actually a fork," Taking off the fork costume, the person was revealed to be none other than the loaf of stale bread.

The toaster burst into impromptu sobbing. "HOW COULD YOU? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY TRUSTY BODYGUARD!"

"Now...I am your trusty rapist," The loaf of stale bread leered at his victim.

Kisame and Samehada turned around as well. Samehada tingled with anticipation. "I shall slice up that bread,"

Kisame tingled with her. "ME WANT SLICEY SLICEY!"

The ninja team sounded their battle cry and ran to the bread and attempted to slice it up; however, it was too stale for Samehada to slice.

Gaara struck his funking pose. "Allow me." With a few funky moves, he had that stale bread whimpering and slicing itself up.

Konohamaru suddenly appeared by the fallen loaf's side. "...Loafy? Are you there?"

"Who is this 'Loafy' you speak of?" Gaara said, oblivious to his previous opponent's appearance.

Konohamaru shook the stale bread a few more times. "Eh. He was getting a bit too stale for me anyways."

Gaara glared at the young boy. "Fight me,"

Konohamaru looked at the funk mastah quizzically. "Why? I'm 7 years old."

"ARE YOU A MAN OR NOT~?" Using his funk, Gaara attacked Konohamaru with all his might and strength.

Konohamaru roared a roar of rage and ran at Gaara, unleashing a massive barrage of sissy slaps. Kakashi suddenly burst onto the scene. "Yeah Gaara, give it to him good! Remember all the funk training I have bestowed on you!"

Gaara saluted while at the same time sending wave after wave of funk at Konohamaru. "Yes sir, Kakashi sensei SIR!" The battle continued into the night.

A bead of sweat rolled down Konohamaru's forehead. "Kisame, aren't you going to help this innocent child?" he pleaded, wildly waving his hands in the hopes of landing a slap on Gaara.

"Don't bother me," said Kisame, carefully cleaning crusted blood from Samehada.

Gaara sneered. "Prepare for defeat, young grasshopper." With a final funky attack, Konohamaru was down.

But he wasn't out. With a rather girlish shriek, Konohamaru landed a direct slap on Gaara's... behind. There was a poisonous silence.

Kisame and Samehada quickly tip-toed back into the cafeteria. Suddenly, the whole earth shook, and a stream of pure funk propelled a screaming Konohamaru into the sky.

"TEAM LOAFY IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" Konohamaru screamed, still clutching the remains of the stale bread and blasting off into a speck into the sky, Team Rocket style.

"GET BACK HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!" Gaara used his funk to forcefully pull Konohamaru back down to the ground.

Meanwhile, crickets chirped in the cafeteria. "Time for cricket casserole!" cackled the old lunch lady.

Everyone groaned. "Not again!" Hinata whined.

"Too bad, so sad," In a flash, ten thousand batches of cricket casserole had been cooked up, and were on the trays of everyone in the cafeteria.

Ten Ten blanched. "I HATE CRICKET CASSEROLE!" She dumped a bottle of ketchup on her plate. "Ahhh.. much better." She chowed down.

"Have you tried putting...mustard on it?" Orochimaru offered a yellow bottle to Ten Ten.

Ten Ten accepted the bottle and squirted a generous amount onto her casserole. "mmmm...YUMMY!" Ten Ten began to frantically shovel mustard soaked casserole into her face.

Orochimaru watched the young girl eat, his pedophile senses twitching.

Hidan burst through the doors. "ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? THAT BETTER NOT BE THE TWITCHING OF PEDOPHILE SENSES I SEE!" He yelled.

"Baby, you know I would never cheat on you," The two men had an impromptu lemon.

Ten Ten immediately threw up all the casserole she ate onto Tsunade. The woman was not pleased. "Get her, Tonton!"

Ten Ten was confused. "I thought Ton Ton was sent to the 37th dimension because of her farts." she said, eating the remainder of her casserole.

"I brought her back!" A geeky 4kids employee grinned creepily. "I wanted bacon so I retrieved Tonton from the 37th dimension,"

Hidan groaned. "Oh, not you again." He brandished his scythe in the hopes of scaring him away. "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" he roared, waving his scythe dangerously close to the employee's pocket protector.

"You cannot defeat me!" girlishly giggled the geek. "For I have the ultimate weapon!"

Orochimaru's power senses tingled. "...Did you say, _ULTIMATE WEAPON_?" He rubbed his hands together gleefully.

"BEHOLD!" Ripping off his clothes to reveal a scrawny frame, the nerd made weird hand motions at his crotch.

Orochimaru shrugged, and tore his clothes off as well. He began copying the crotch motions.

Suddenly, a snake emerged from where Orochimaru's dick should have been.

The gerd employee laughed maniacally. "BWAHAHAHAHA! THIS... is my ultimate weapon."

"You fail," With a single swoop of his 'ultimate weapon', Orochimaru had mercilessly killed the 4kids employee. Orochimaru now turned to the slightly difficult problem of removing his 'ultimate weapon'.

"Step aside," Gaara had arrived with his chode chopper that was now converted into a 'ultimate weapon' chopper.

Kakashi watched his student, his eyes bugging out in desperation. "GAARA! NO~!"

Why doesn't The Funky Ninja want Gaara Of The Funk to castrate The Pedophile? Flip (or click) to the next chapter to find out.


	9. Plum Pudding

Gaara looked at the Funk Mastah strangely. "Why can't I chop off this... this ABOMINATION OF THE HUMAN BODY?" he exclaimed.

"Young grasshopper," began Kakashi, "Your funk abilities are not to the level that you can so recklessly chop off such abnormalities,"

Gaara was about to speak, but Kakashi cut him off. "And besides, I must take a roll call. I can't even remember who's still alive." He took out a clipboard and a pen.

[Insert ridiculously long and unecessary roll call]

Kakashi was disappointed. The list of people still in the cafeteria was as follows:

1. Sai

2. Orochimaru

3. Ten Ten

4. Choji

5. Hinata

6. Hidan

7. Kakuzu

8. Itachi

9. Sasuke

10. Kisame

11. Tsunade

"THE AKATSUKI MUST DIE!" proclaimed the Funk Mastah, brandishing a plastic knife.

Kisame sighed. "Samehada, get him,"

Samehada lunged, but was pushed out of the way by Asuma and Kurenai, who had both just burst into the cafeteria.

"WE DESERVE TO BE IN THIS STORY!" Asuma cried, tears of emo angst flowing down his face. Narrowing her eyebrows, Samehada lunged at Asuma and Kurenai, and slicing them up into Asuma and Kurenai loaf.

Ignoring the fact that swords usually do not have eyebrows, Ten Ten hurriedly stuffed the loaf into her mouth before anyone else did. She began to violently convulse.

The lunch lady huffed indignantly. "I demand to know why I am not on your list."

"Old hags with varicose veins and crow's feet do not belong on any list I write," explained Kakashi, adjusting his mask in a haughty manner.

The old hag with varicose veins frowned. "Hey, I'm not an old hag with varicose veins!" As she spoke, her crow's feet walked around her face.

Ten Ten looked at her and threw up the Asuma and Kurenai loaf. Tonton lapped up the vomit with glee.

Sai looked at Ton Ton and committed suicide. Two men dressed in black rushed in and carried his still body out of the cafeteria without any explanation.

Choji looked at the list he had stolen from Kakashi. He crossed off #1. "Kukuku... only 10 more people to go." Suddenly, he imploded.

But suddenly, he exploded, negatizing the effects of the implosion.

"I just saw the pearly gates!" The fat one gasped, running off to pen a novel about his experience. Before he left though, he crossed himself off the list, because technically, he wouldn't be in the cafeteria anymore.

Meanwhile, Sasuke was making a plum pudding. Kakuzu eyed the delicacy with interest. "I heard that a high quality plum pudding can sell for good money,"

Sasuke shrugged. "I don't care." He took a spoon, and prepared to eat the plum pudding.

"NOOOO~!" Kakuzu lunged for the dessert, but it was too late. He groaned in agony as the priceless pudding was violated by the spoon.

"Squee!" squealed a nearby fangirl. "PuddingxSpoon! It's the perfect pairing!" She immediately logged on to .net and proceeded to write crappy noob fanfiction about PudXspo.

"DIE!" A select group of fanfictioners took down the noob fangirl. The fangirl shrieked as she was sent to the Sea of Funk. Kisame's third cousin twice removed ate her up.

Meanwhile, Kakashi and the lunch lady were still arguing.

"Haven't you ever heard of the phrase 'Respect your elders'?" rasped the old crone.

"No." replied Kakashi. Bored, he pulled an Icha Icha novel out of his back pocket and began to read.

The old crone looked over his shoulder and promptly died of a massive nose bleed.

Kakashi laughed. "Poor woman. She cannot take in the funkiness of this literary masterpiece,"

Gaara nodded, and took out a dirty novel of his own. He tried to read it, but the blood dripping from his nose was getting onto the pages of the book.

Kakashi sighed. "Gaara, your porn reading skills need work."

"I will try my best, Kakashi-sensei," Gaara resumed reading, wearing a serious expression. He stuck a tissue up his nose and forced himself to continue reading.

Sasuke watched Kakashi and Gaara having their little bonding moment. He thought of his plum pudding. It had been a good friend to him in the minutes they had spent together.

Kakuzu was still sobbing. "MY PUDDING...MY PLUM...PLUM PUDDING..." Hidan gave his partner a look of disgust. Out of spite, he crafted a magnificent plum pudding and ate it in a single bite.

"My plum pudding crafting skills are better," said Sasuke, creating a plum pudding that was awesome beyond words. This time, Kakuzu was prepared. With a single swipe of his telekinetic power, the plum pudding was in his mouth.

Sasuke frowned. "I thought you wanted to sell the pudding."

"...um..." Kakuzu dragged out his reply. "...Well, it was very tasty,"

Suddenly, a buyer of plum puddings burst through the door. "I AM OFFERING ∞ DOLLARS FOR A QUALITY PLUM PUDDING!" He screamed, waving a fistful of cash in the air.

"Crap!" Kakuzu turned to the side and threw up the plum pudding he had just eaten. Holding up the glob of hurl, he beckoned to the buyer of plum puddings, who will now be referred to as the BOPP.

The BOPP twiddled his cane and skipped over, inspecting the plum pudding through his monocle. "THIS...IS A HORRIFIC PLUM PUDDING!" he exclaimed, poking it with his pinkie finger. He stuck some of it in his mouth. Immediately, the BOPP keeled over and died.

Kakuzu cringed and hid in a corner. "PLEASE DON'T SUE ME!" he begged, cuddling his suitcase of money close to his bosom.

Hidan turned onto Kakuzu. "YOU SHOULD HAVE LET ME KILL HIM!" he demanded. Suddenly, a freak gust of wind blew in through the window.

"...what's that freak gust of wind?" Samehada asked aloud.

"FUCK!" Hidan sobbed. "IT'S JASHIN-SAMA'S WRATH! QUICK, EVERYONE, DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND START REPENTING!"

But it was too late. Jashin-sama burst through the door. He was wearing a sparkly polyester jumpsuit and an afro that filled up half of the cafeteria.

"PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH...OF JASHIN!" Jashin holla'd. "CAN I HEAR A WHOOP WHOOP?"

* * *

AN: Beware of plum puddings.


	10. The Pedo Patrol Saves The Day!

A/N: This chapter is rated T+ for rampant innuendo and extremely graphic description. Reader discretion is advised. Also, we are cowriting another crackfic... In the Name of Fanservice. You can find it on Yuniz's profile.

* * *

"...JASHIN-SAMA~!" Hidan cried out in joy, running to his god and groveling at his feet.

Kakuzu sniggered at this display of homoerotic attraction. "Hehe..." he giggled, recording a clip and selling it to Playboy.

Hidan got to his feet, still breathing heavily. "Jashin-sama, do you need any...FAVORS...done?"

Jashin-sama combed his afro. "Yes... FETCH ME A PLUM PUDDING." he demanded.

Hidan looked in Sasuke's direction. "Sasuke! Make me a plum pudding!"

Sasuke glared at him. "No. I don't make plum puddings anymore, now that they've gone out of style."

A Sasuke fangirl threw herself onto him. "SAH - SOO - KAY - KEWN~! MAKE A PLUM PUDDING...FOR ME!"

Sasuke snatched Samehada and sliced her up. "NO MORE PLUM PUDDINGS! FROM NOW ON, I ONLY MAKE... TAPIOCA PUDDING!" he screamed to the heavens.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY~?" Jashin unleashed his ultimate wrath. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF TAPIOCA PUDDING IN MY PRESENCE!"

Sasuke shrieked as the wrath enveloped him in it's... wrathiness. Within milliseconds, he was dead. (This moment of Sasuke murder was inspired by electricdementia.)

Jashin groaned. "Won't anyone make me a plum pudding?"

"Do you require...a pudding of plum?" Orochimaru grinned as if he were a pedophile...which he was.

Jashin sneered. "Not from the likes of you."

"OWNED!" Hidan cackled, furiously making wedding plans for himself and Jashin. "Yes... the white dress shall go quite well with the purple orchids..." he muttered to himself.

Orochimaru's urge to kill began to rapidly rise. "HIDAN, HOW COULD YOU?" he sobbed. "I DON'T MAKE BABIES WITH JUST _ANYONE_, YOU KNOW!"

"Actually, you do," replied Hidan, dialing the florist's number. "Hello? Is this Macho Manly Floral Shoppe? Yes, I'd like to place an order..." Hidan said, ignoring the possibly suicidal Orochimaru.

"...EARYGH~!" With a single unintelligible battle cry, Orochimaru had pounced on Hidan and had began to make babies with him.

Hidan calmly finished placing his order. He began to dial a new number. "Hello? Is this Pedo Patrol? I'd like to report a pedo on the loose... yes, his name is Orochimaru, how did you know?" he gasped.

"LET'S DO IT HARDER! FASTER! SHOW ME SOME SPIRIT!" At this point, Orochimaru was very clearly insane. Suddenly, the Pedo Patrol burst through the door.

"OROCHIMARU!" barked a woman holding a megaphone. It was none other than Tsunade. 'YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR VIOLATING A GAY MAN!"

Orochimaru started to deny the charges, but Tsunade wasn't running out of steam anytime soon. "YOU ALSO FACE CHARGES OF BEING WEIRD, BEING UGLY, BEING FUGLY, MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATION..."

-Three Hours Later-

"...GIVING SNAKES CRYSTAL METH, DRINKING SEMEN CONTAMINATED ORANGE JUICE, ASKING RANDOM CHILDREN ON THE STREET IF THEY WOULD LIKE HAPPY FUN TIME, AND FEEDING RACCOON DUNG TO TON TON, MY PET PIG!" Tsunade took a water bottle from her belt and gulped down the contents with vigor.

Orochimaru put down the magazine he was reading. "You're done?"

Tsunade's eyes bugged out as she saw the title of Orochimaru's magazine: CANNIBAL STEWARDESS UNDERAGE VIXENS UNCHAINED- THE UNCENSORED EDITION! "That's it, buddy, you're going to jail for a long, long time," Tsunade growled, adding "Possession of porn" to the list of charges.

The Pedo Petrol swooped onto Orochimaru and dragged him out of the cafeteria. Suddenly, someone burst into the cafeteria. It was none other than...

"I'm all better!" exclaimed a mentally healthy Jiraiya. "My editor said I could restart writing books by tomorrow!"

Ten Ten looked around her. She was surrounded by Akatsuki.

"You're ugly," Itachi told her. He started making out with one of his millions of fangirls.

Kakuzu was now scoping the room out for a young girl to unleash his pedophile skills onto. Now that Orochimaru was gone, he had no competition.

Innocent Hinata was crafting a lacy parasol when Kakuzu approached her.

"Oh dear, I hope this lace isn't too hard for me to tie into a bow," Hinata said daintily, fanning herself with a silk handkerchief.

Sweating from every pore, Kakuzu walked right to Hinata's side. "Darling, that is the most beautiful lacy parasol I have ever seen," He told her, despite the fact that he despised lacy parasols with all his being.

Hinata turned to him. "You want some of this? It'll cost ya extra, 'cause you're old." She held out her hand.

Kakuzu frowned. "If you want more money from me, then you are ugly and a demon child,"

"Fine..." Hinata sighed. "So, will it be the Hyuuga deluxe?"

"No," Kakuzu said dramatically. "I will have...the ULTRA Hyuuga deluxe,"

All activity ceased in the lunch room immediately.

"Oh emm gee!" squealed Samehada. "No one's EVER survived the ULTRA Hyuuga deluxe before!" She readied her video camera.

"My video camera is better," Kisame said, holding up a professional video camera.

"Go Hinata!" Ten Ten waved a little flag with Hinata's face on it. "I've got money riding on you!"

Itachi grunted and stuck a hand down his pants. He pushed the fangirl aside. "I have no more use for you."

Jiraiya took out a pen and a pad of paper. "Maybe this will give me an idea for my new novel, ULTRA DELUXE Icha Icha Paradise!"

Kakashi and Gaara passed out from simultaneous massive nosebleeds.

Hidan settled down comfortably with a bucket of popcorn. Jashin followed suit. "Go get her, Kakuzu!" they both cheered.

The ultimate showdown had begun.

DUN DUN DUN...

* * *

A/N: Are you Team Hinata or Team Kakuzu? Your review will decide the fate of the following battle that is sure to be epic beyond belief.

**EDIT: There's a deadline... of ONE WEEK! MUAHAHAHAHA!**


	11. The End

"Get ready... For the Hyuuga Deluxe." she purred seductively.

"Oh, you know where I like it," Kakuzu attemped to purr back, but leered instead. "Now, shall we begin?"

Hidan watched from the side, suddenly realizing what was about to go down.

[insert lemon here]

"Delish!" cackled Samehada.

Her bandages were bulging 'down under'.

"Samehada..." Ten Ten gasped, looking at the bulge. "You're a DUDE?"

The giant tampon cackled madly in unison with a nearby kookaburra.

Kisame gaped. "No... That can't be!" He began to have a mental breakdown.

Itachi's eyes flashed. "I will NOT be outdone." He began to break down mentally as well. It was a sad scene to behold.

Gaara shuddered, as did Kakashi. "Our funk cannot handle such atrocities!" The kazekage cried, and ran cowering next to a moldy sandwich a student had left on the floor. In his state of desperation, he began to frantically nom on it.

Kakashi frantically looked around for something to nom on as well. He settled for a chodegina.

The chodegina screamed. "HELP! I'M BEING VIOLATED!" The lunchroom door opened, and the woman who burst through was none other than Tsunade, leader of the pedo patrol.

"KAKA CHAN!" She roared. "UNDER ORDINANCE ZDK - 352, YOU ARE ARRESTED FOR VIOLATING A CHODEGINA!"

"No! A mastah of funk cannot be arrested by the Pedo Patrol, under clause 4, section 92, article 3924 of the school handbook!" Kakashi began glowing with da funk.

Then the Pomegranate Patrol burst in with their own edition of the school handbook.

Tsunade and Kakashi gasped simultaneously. "No! That can't be!" The pomegranates stared them in the face like the cold, heartless fruit they were.

"KAKASHI HATAKE," the head pomegranet thundered. "YOU WILL COME WITH US."

Kakashi looked around innocently. He was teh Funk Mastah, so who was this Kakashi Hatake, & why was everyone else looking at him?

He decided to use his improv skills to escape.

"Who eez dees 'Kah-Kah-Shee'?" he loudly inquired in a bad French accent. "Whoevuh he eez, ahm sure heez not here." He began to slowly edge towards the door.

"DENIED ACCESS" The door used a robotic arm to pull Kakashi's driver's license, credit card, and Icha Icha fanclub membership card out of his pocket.

"YOU ARE KAKASHI HATAKE." The pomegranets' voices were as one. "COME WITH US NOW."

"NUUU~" cried Kakashi, trying to escape his imminent fate.

However, he failed. Sobbing and wailing, he was carried out by the pomegranets.

"Now what?" wonder you, the hapless reader.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Lilliandra Raven Ai Uchiha Uzumaki Dumbledore Elric burst through the door, violet orbs shining and D-cup bosom heaving.. "I WILL SAVE YOU, KAKASHI... USING THE POWER OF LOVE!" she sang in the most beautiful, angelic voice anyone in the lunchroom had ever heard. Naturally, she was shot ded at once.

Tsunade blew on the still-smoking gun. "Mary Sues are banned from school lunch under rule 738, section G of the school handbook," she glared at the twitching remains of Lilliana. They twitched some more, threatening to return to life again.

Kakuzu, pulling up his pants and stepping out of the rubble that used to be the lunchroom's pantry, got out his AK-47 and shot several rounds into the pulpy mess that used to be Lilliana's head. He glared at Hinata. "This is all your fault!"

Hinata spontaneously combusted.

Jashin looked at the chunks of Hinata. "I take it that you've won?" he inquired.

"Yes, I have won the day, Jashin sama," Kakuzu bowed low.

"Then I'd like to invite you to me and Hidan's wedding." Jashin held out a hot pink envelope with a purple lace seal. "It's in fifteen minutes. We expect presents."

Kakuzu despised giving presents to other people. "Of course, Jashin sama!" He said with an innocent grin.

Hidan cut in. "A TWENTY-DOLLAR gift. Not one of your retarded dollar store gifts."

"Rats," muttered Kakuzu, fingering the box of macaroni and cheese he had purchased from the local dollar store. He would have to go... to the most dreaded place in the entire universe. He would have to go to the poo dungeon, for the poo dungeon would help him.

Jashin and Hidan embraced as Kakuzu made his way to the dungeon of poo.

"Oh, great Dungeon Keeper of the Poo," Kakuzu bowed low as he approached a mysterious figure half submerged in the stink. "Please grant me a twenty-dollar gift."

The Keeper gave Kakuzu a shifty look. "You have... the Payment?" he inquired, beckoning to the miser with a gnarled, poo-covered hand.

"Payment?" Kakuzu was taken aback. "But... I have a sick wife and seventy-three hungry children at home!" he sobbed.

"Bah, children," The Keeper scoffed. "Let them waste away,"

Kakuzu cursed. The pity method was not going to work.

"You suck," he told the Keeper. "I was going to give you this nice bundle of poo, but, seeing as you're not going to cooperate..."

"What kind of poo?" The Keeper's interest was piqued. "Is it...No, it can't be...!" He gasped as Kakuzu opened the bundle a crack.

The gay miser grinned. "This here is Grade A rhino scat, straight from the heaving bowels, harvested at an African oasis,"

The Keeper stilled his racing heart and forced himself to look disinterestedly at Kakuzu. "Is this all you have?" he sighed.

"May bee," giggled Kakuzu innocently.

"EARYGH!" The Keeper could not contain his emotions any longer. "HERE! TAKE YOUR TWENTY DOLLAR GIFT AND LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY POO~!"

Satisfied, Kakuzu left with a gift box. When there appeared to be no one else around, he opened it.

Sitting in it, was a bible box set, complete with sing-along hymns and a book-warmer for those cold winter nights. Kakuzu's face twisted up into a painful grimace.

"Er... maybe if I crossed out Jesus and wrote Jashin instead..." Kakuzu's mind raced, thinking of ways to avoid Hidan's wrath. Hidan was a good little Jashinist, and did not wish to displease his god in any way.

Kakuzu slowly made his way out of the dungeon of poo. On his way home, he passed by a gospel choir singing in the streets. One of the singers saw him scribble out "praying" and writing "slaughter" in it's place.

"HIEK!" She screamed girlishly. "Have you not been acquanntied with our Father in Heaven?"

Kakuzu ignored her. "Now.. if I replace 'holy' with 'murderous'..." his eyes feverishly scanned the book, his pen at the ready. The gospel choir watched in horror as Kakuzu walked into the church next to them.

"We must stop that heathen!" exclaimed an eldery woman.

The entire chorus, along with a few right-minded individuals who were just happening by, ran into the church, intent on stopping the heathen who was now replacing "The Holy Spirit" with "The Murderous Assassin".

"AND THE LORD SAYETH, THIS SHINDIG BE BOPPIN'!" The black preacher slammed his fist onto the pulpit in a fit of religious fervor.

"PRAISE HIM!" Hidan screamed, trying to decapitate himself. The entire congregation watched, screaming.

"PRAISE ME!" Jashin screamed, helping Hidan gleefully.

Meanwhile, in the school cafeteria...

Itachi continued his mental breakdown. Sasuke looked at him disdainfully.

"I can do anything better than you~!" He sang, getting his gun.

"No you can't!" retorted Itachi. He pulled an AK-47 assault rifle out of his pants.

Sasuke flipped his hair suggestively. "I can sing any note higher than you can!"

Itachi immediately opened his mouth and sang a note so high, Sasuke's ears started to brother's voice was like aural porn. Sasuke suddenly had a strange tickling feeling in his now-deaf scavenged around with his pinky finger and pulled out a fork.

"A dingelhopper!" He crowed happily. With a moronic grin on his face, he stuck it in a nearby toaster. The electric shock he felt afterwards was actually quite pleasant. Itachi's face twisted in jealous rage.

"I want to stick fork in toaster!" He cried jealously. He plunged his pinky into the depths of his ear, but unfortunately only found a spoon. Scowling, he threw it over his shoulder, and it hit Sai.

"A spoon?" Sai smiled fakely. "I must sell it on shmeeBay!" Within minutes, the bidding had gone up to $5000.

Itachi's forehead vein bulged dangerously as he looked in his own empty shot a lustful glance at Sai and his now bulging back pocket.

"Hey~" He walked over to Sai and introduced himself. "I am Itachi the Great,"

Sai stared. "You just want me for my body," he sighed deeply.

"No, no," insisted Itachi. "You see, I have admired you from afar for many a day,"

"I see..." Sai mused for a few seconds. "So you were the one whom I caught looking at me while I was showering yesterday!"

This was bad. "Er..."

"Are you also the one who has been sending me love letters every day for the past six years?" Sai's eyes lit up hopefully.

"Yes, that was me," Itachi breathed a silent sigh of relief. "And I want to marry you and have many adopted babies from third-world countries~"

"Why couldn't we make our own babies?" Sai obviously had never had "The Talk" before.

"Well, you see, there is a DIFFERENCE between men and women," Itachi said slowly. "And... oh, fuck this." He snatched Sai's wallet and ran off to waste it on wine and women.

Sai watched Itachi make off with his life savings. "Bring me back a souvenir!" He waved after his lover of 2 minutes.


End file.
